I should have put this on the 180-185 thread
Came from a friend, Have no idea who gets the credit.
GT


An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Cessnas, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, 747s for Northwest, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to thousands, so I guess I'm a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.

It wasn't Starbucks, it was the Desert Lobster. Conversation happened this morning.

Gump

GumpAir wrote:It wasn't Starbucks, it was the Desert Lobster. Conversation happened this morning.

Gump

Got this today from L-19 driver >>>>>>>>>>>

Sent: Thu, Dec 3, 2009 12:34 pm
Subject: Bill Lear's son John....( What a read )



Bill Lear's son John....( What a read )



Lear gave this talk on July 9th, 2004 to a group of fellow pilots in

Las Vegas." Each month one pilot in the group gives a 15 minute talk on his career.





John Lear on John Lear

One of the anguishes of advancing age is losing old friends. The

upside of that, though, is that I get to tell the story my way.



I learned to fly at > Clover Field in Santa Monica when I was 14.

However before I got to get in an actual airplane Dad made me take 40 hours

of Link with Charlie Gress. I can't remember what I did yesterday but I

guarantee you I could still shoot a 90 degree, Fade-out or Parallel radio

range orientation.



When I turned 16 I had endorsements on my student license for an

Aero Commander 680E and Cessna 310.



I got my private at 17 and instrument rating shortly thereafter. The

Lockheed 18 Lodestar was my first type rating at age 18. I went to work for

my father and brother flying copilot on a twin beech out of Geneva

Switzerland after I got out of high school. Dad was over there trying to

peddle radios to the European airlines.



However just after I turned 18 and got my Commercial I was showing

off my aerobatic talents in a Bucker Jungmann to my friends at a Swiss

boarding school I had attended. I managed to start a 3 turn spin from too

low an altitude and crashed. I shattered both heels and ankles and broke

both legs in 3 places. I crushed my neck, broke both sides of my jaw and

lost all of my front teeth. I managed to get gangrene in one of the open

wounds in my ankles and was shipped from Switzerland to the Lovelace Clinic

in Albuquerque where Randy Lovelace made me well.



When I could walk again I worked selling pots and pans door to door

in Santa Monica . In late 1962 Dad had moved from Switzerland to Wichita to

build the Lear Jet and I went to Wichita to be work in Public relations

until November of 1963 about 2 months after the first flight when I moved to

Miami and took over editing an aviation newspaper called Aero News.



I moved the newspaper to El Segundo in California and ran it until

it failed. I then got a job flight instructing at Progressive Air Service in

Hawthorne , California . From there I went to Norman Larson Beech in Van

Nuys flight instructing in Aircoupes.



In the spring of 1965 I was invited by my Dad back to Wichita to get

type rated in the model 23 Learjet. I then went to work for the executive

aircraft division of Flying Tigers in Burbank who had secured a dealership

for the Lear.



In November of 1965 my boss Paul Kelly crashed number 63 into the

mountains at Palm Springs killing everybody on board including Bob

Prescott's 13 years old son and 4 of the major investors in Tigers. I took

over his job as President of Airjet charters a wholly owned subsidiary of

FTL and flew charters and sold Lears. Or rather tried to sell them. It turns

out that I never managed to sell one Learjet in my entire life.



In March of 1966 2 Lear factory pilots Hank Beaird, Rick King and

myself set 17 world speed records including speed around the round the

world, 65 hours and 38 minutes in the first Lear Jet 24. Shortly after that

flight I got canned from Tigers and moved to Vegas and started the first 3rd

level airline in Nevada , Ambassador Airlines. We operated an Aero Commander

and Cherokee 6 on 5 stops from Las Vegas to LAX. This was about the time

Hughes moved to Las Vegas and I was doing some consulting work for Bob and

Pete r Maheu.



The money man behind Ambassador was Jack Cleveland who I introduced

to John Myers in the Hughes organization. Cleveland and Myers tried to

peddle the 135 certificate to Hughes without success and Jack ended up

selling Howard those phoney gold mining claims you all may remember. I went

back to Van Nuys and was flying Lear charter part time for Al Paulson and

Clay Lacy at California Airmotive, the Learjet distributor.



That summer I started a business called Aerospace Flight Research in

Van Nuys were I rented aircraft to Teledyne to flight test their Inertial

Guidance Systems. We had a B-26, Super Pinto and Twin Beech. I think we

lasted about 4 months.



I then went to work for World Aviation Services in Ft. Lauderdale

ferrying the Cessna O2 FAC airplane from Wichita , fresh of the assembly

line to Nha Trang in Viet Nam with fellow pilot Bill Werstlein. We were under

the 4440th ADG Langley VA. and hooked up with a lot of other military pilots

ferrying all manner and types of aircraft.



Our route was Wichita to Hamilton , Hickam, Midway, Wake, Guam,

Clark and then in country. The longest leg was Hamilton to Hickam an average

of 16 hours, no autopilot, no copilot, and one ADF. We also had 3 piddle

packs. Arriving in Nha Trang we would hitch a ride to Saigon and spend 3

days under technical house arrest, each trip, pay a fine for entering the

country illegally, that is being civilians and not coming through a port of

entry, catch an airline up to Hong Kong for a little R&R and straight

back

to Wichita for another airplane. I flew this contract for 4 years.



During some off time in 1968 I attempted to ferry a Cessna 320 from

Oakland to Australia with the first stop in Honolulu . About 2 hours out

from Oakland I lost the right engine and had no provisions for dumping fuel.

I went down into ground effect (T effect for you purists) and for 3 hours

and 21 minutes flew on one engine about 25 feet above the waves and made it

into Hamilton AFB after flying under the Golden Gate and Richmond bridges.

An old friend Nick Conte, was officer of the day and gave me the royal

treatment. Why did I go into Hamilton instead of Oakland ? I knew exactly

where the O club was for some much needed refreshment.



In September of 1968 between 0-2 deliveries I raced a Douglas B-26

Invader in the Reno Air Races. It was the largest airplane ever raced at

Reno , and I placed 5th in the Bronze passing one Mustang. It was reported

to me after the race by XB-70 project pilot Col. Ted Sturmthal that when I

passed the P-51, 3 fighter pilots from Nellis committed suicide off the back

of the grandstands. In the summer of 1970 I helped Darryl Greenamyer and

Adam Robbins put on the California 1000 air race in Mojave California.

That's the one where Clay Lacy raced the DC-7.



I flew a B-26 with Wally McDonald. I then started flying charter in

an Aero Commander and Beech Queen Air for Aero Council a charter service out

of Burbank . They went belly up about 3 months later and I went up to Reno

to work for my Dad as safety pilot on his Lear model 25. After my Dad fired

me I was personally escorted to the Nevada/California border by an ex- Los

Angeles police detective who worked for Dad and did the muscle work.



I went back down to Van Nuys and was Chief Pilot for Lacy Aviation

and was one of the first pilot proficiency examiners for the Lear Jet. In

the summer of 1973 I moved to Phnom Penh , Cambodia as Chief Pilot and

Director of Operations for Tri Nine Airlines which flew routes throughout

Cambodia for Khmer Akas Air.



I flew a Convair 440 an average of 130 hours a month. We had

unlimited quantities of 115/145 fuel and ADI and were able to use full CB-17

power (which was 62" for any of you R-2800 aficionados). In November of 1973

I moved to Vientianne, Laos and flew C-46's and Twin Otters for Continental

Air Services Inc. delivering guns and ammo to the Gen. Vang Pao and his CIA

supported troops.



We got shot down one day and when I say we, Dave Kouba was the

captain. We were flying a twin otter and got the right engine shot out.

Actually the small arms fire had hit the fuel line in the right strut and

fuel was streaming out back around the tail and being sucked into the large

cargo opening in the side of the airplane and filling the cockpit with a

fine mist of jet fuel.



I held the mike in my hands, "Should I call Cricket and possibly

blow us up or...?" (Some of you may remember "Cricket"... <i>"This is

Cricket on guard with an air strike warning to all aircraft</i>".)



But Davy found us a friendly dirt strip and we were back in the air

the next day. When the war came to an end in 1973 I moved back to Van Nuys

and started flying Lears for Lacy again until October when I went up to

Seattle and sat in on a Boeing 707 ground school for Air Club International

on spec.



3 weeks later I ended up in the left seat of the 707 with a total of

8 hours in type. Air Club begat Aero America and we flew junkets out of

Vegas for the Tropicana and Thunderbird Hotels. I left Aero having not been

fired and in the summer of 1975 I was Director of Ops for Ambassador

Airlines 2 flying 707 junkets also out of Vegas. After that airline

collapsed I moved to Beirut , Lebanon in September of 1975 and flew 707's

for 2 years for Trans Mediterranean Airways a Lebanese cargo carrier.



It was a very interesting job in that they had 65 stations around

the world and you would leave Beirut with a copilot that had maybe 200 hours

in airplanes and fortunately a first rate plumber and off you'd go around

the world. My favorite run was Dubai to Kabul , Afghanistan with a stop in

Kandahar . Kabul is a one way strip, land uphill and take off downhill, it

was 6000 foot elevation with no navaids.



During those 2 years I made many round the world trips and many over

the pole trips. In 1977 I moved back to Vegas and was Director of Operations

for Nevada Airlines flying DC-3's and Twin Beech's to the Canyon. In

September of 77 I was called to Budapest for another CIA operation flying

707's loaded with arms and ammo to Mogadishu .



Leaving Budapest then refueling in Jeddah we flew radio silence down

the Red Sea trying to avoid the MiGs based in Aden , whose sole purpose on

earth was to force us down. The briefing was simple. If you guys get into

trouble DON'T CALL US. Back to Vegas in December of that year I was hired as

Chief Pilot for Bonanza Airlines 2 operating DC-3's and a Gulfstream 1 from

Vegas to Aspen .



After that airline collapsed I was hired by Hilton Hotels to fly

their Lear 35 A. In my spare time I flew part time for Dynalectron and the

EPA on an underground nuke test monitoring program. I flew their B-26,

OV-10, Volpar Beech and Huey helicopter. I also flew the Tri Motor Ford part

time for Scenic Airlines. In 1978 my Dad passed away and left me with one

dollar, which incidentally, I never got.



In 1980 I ran for the Nevada State Senate district 4. I lost

miserably only because I was uninformed, unprepared and both of my size 9

triple E's were continually in my mouth.



I got fired from Hilton shortly after that and moved to Cairo ,

Egypt to fly for Air Trans another CIA cutout. After the Camp David accords

were signed in 1979 each country, Egypt and Israel were required to operate

4 flights a week into the other's country. Of course, El Al pilots didn't

mind flying into Cairo but you could not find an Egyptian pilot that would

fly into Tel Aviv. So an Egyptian airline was formed called Nefertiti

Airlines with me as chief pilot to fly the 4 flights a week into Tel Aviv.

On our off time we flew subcontract for Egyptair throughout Europe and

Africa .



All this, of course was just a cover for our real missions which was

all kinds of nefarious gun running throughout Europe and Africa which we did

in our spare time.



And now that our beloved 40th president has passed on I can tell you

that in fact (with my apologies to Michael Reagan) the October Surprise was

true. The October surprise for those of you that don't remember happened

during October of 1980 when Reagan and Bush were running against Carter and

Mondale George Bush was flown in a BAC 111 one Saturday night to Paris to

meet with the Ayatollah Khomeini. Bush offered the Khomeini a deal whereby

if he would delay the release of the hostages held in Tehran until Reagans

inauguration, the administration would supply unlimited guns and ammunition

to the Iranians.



In order to get Bush back for a Sunday morning brunch so that nobody

would be alerted to his absence he was flown back in an SR-71 from Reims

field near Paris to McGuire AFB.



Of course Reagan won, the hostages were released and one of my jobs

in Cairo was to deliver those arms from Tel Aviv to Tehran .



Unfortunately, the first airplane in, an Argentinean CL-44 was shot

down by the Russians just south of Yerevan and Mossad who was running the

operation didn't want to risk sending my 707. The arms where eventually

delivered through Dubai , across the Persian Gulf and directly into Terhan.



During the 2 years I was in Cairo I averaged 180 hours a month with

a top month of 236 hours in a 31 day period. I spent a 6 week tour in

Khartoum flying cows to Saana, North Yemen in an old Rolls Royce powered

707.



Back in Las Veg as in December of 1982 I sat on my ass until I was

out of money, again, and then went to work for Global Int'l Airlines in

Kansas City, another CIA cutout run by Farhad Azima, an Iranian with a

bonafide Gold Plated Get Out of Jail Free card flying 707's until they

collapsed in October of 83. During the summer of 1983 the FAA celebrated its

25th Anniversary at the Mike Monroney Aeronautical Center in Oklahoma City .

There was much fanfare and speech making and 2 honored guests. Bill Conrad

from Miami , Florida who had the most type ratings, I think over 50. And

myself. I had the most airman certificates issued of any other airman.



After Global's collapse I went to work for American Trans Air flying

707's. I wrote their international navigation manual as MNPS for North

Atlantic operations was just being implemented and became the first FAA

designated check airman for MNPS navigation. ATA then added 727's and then

Lockheed L-1011's. For a very brief time I was qualified as captain in all

three.



After getting fired from ATA in July of 1989 I became a freight dog

flying DC-8's for Rosenbalm Aviation which became Flagship Express and after

that airline collapsed I was hired as Chief pilot for Patriot Airlines out

of Stead Field in Reno , flying cargo 727's from Miami to South America .

After getting fired from Patriot I went to work for Connie Kalitta flying

DC-8s then the L-1011 on which I was a check airman. Kalitta sold out to

Kitty Hawk International which went bankrupt in May of 2000.



I was 57 at the time and nobody is going to hire an old ---- for two

and a half years except to fly sideways so I turned in my stripes and ever

present flask of Courvoisier. Except for one last fling in March of 2001

where I flew the Hadj for a Cambodian Airline flying L-1011's under contract

to Air India . We were based in New Delhi and flew to Jeddah from all

throughout India . There was absolutely no paperwork, no FAA, no BS and for

6 weeks we just moved Hadji's back and forth to Saudi Arabia .



One final note, in October of 1999 I had the honor and extreme

pleasure to get checked out in a Lockheed CF-104D Starfighter. My instructor

was Darryl Greenamyer, the airplane was owned by Mark and Gretchen Sherman

of Phoenix . It was the highlight of my aviation career particularly because

I survived my first and only SFO in a high performance fighter.



One other thing, some how I managed to get he following type

ratings: 707/720/727, Convair 240/340/440, DC-3, DC -8, B-26, Gulfstream 1,

Lockheed Constellation, Lear Jet series, HS-125, Lockheed L-1011, Lockheed

L-18, Lockheed P-38, Martin 202/404, B-17, B-25, Grumman TBM and Ford

Trimotor. I also have single and multi engine sea, rotorcraft helicopter and

gyroplane, and lighter than air free balloon. I never got all categories

having missed the Airship. And in case you are interested many, many airmen

have lots more type ratings.



What I did get, that no other airman got was most FAA certificates:

these are the ATP, Flight Instructor with airplane single and multi-engine,

instrument, rotorcraft helicopter and gyroplane and glider. Flight

Navigator, Flight Engineer, Senior Parachute Rigger, Control Tower Operator,

A&amp;P, Ground Instructor, Advanced and Instrument and Aircraft

Dispatcher. I

have 19,488 hours of total time of which 15,325 hours is in 1,2,3 or 4

engine jet. I took a total of 181 FAA (or designated check airman) check

rides and failed 2.



Of the thousands of times I knowingly violated an FAA regulation I

was only caught once but never charged or prosecuted.



The farthest I have ever been off course was 321 miles left over the

South China Sea in a 707 on New Years day 1977 on a flight from Taipei . The

deviation was not caught by Hong Kong, Manila or Singapore radar and I

penetrated six zero to unlimited restricted areas west of the Philippines .

I landed in Singapore 7 minutes late without further incident.



How, you ask , did I get so far off course? The short answer is I

was napping at the controls. I have flown just about everywhere except

Russia , China , Mongolia , Korea , Antarctica, Australia or New Zealand . I

am a senior vice-commander of the American Legion Post No.1 Shanghai, China

(Generals Ward, Chennault and Helseth) (operating in exile) and a 21 year

member of the Special Operations Association.





Now some of you may be asking why so many airlines collapsed that I

worked for and why I got fired so many times. My excuse is simple. I am not

the brightest crayon in the box, I am extremely lazy, I have a smart mouth

and a real poor attitude.



-The End-

Wow, He could be my hero after I meet Gump.
GT

Well, I hate to tell my fellow BCP.org friends the news.....But I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body!!

M6RV6 wrote:Wow, He could be my hero UNTIL I meet Gump.
GT

Fixed it for you

182 STOL driver wrote:Now some of you may be asking why so many airlines collapsed that I worked for and why I got fired so many times. My excuse is simple. I am not the brightest crayon in the box, I am extremely lazy, I have a smart mouth and a real poor attitude.

Well, I share the above with John Lear, and I got the lesbian part down pat. That, and my senior discount get me a $2.00 cup of coffee at Denny's !!

Gump

Thanks for the story 182.

gb

John Lear sometimes posts on another forum I'm on from time to time. Interesting guy.

Once and future
You assume I made a mistake!
GT

58Skylane wrote:Well, I hate to tell my fellow BCP.org friends the news.....But I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body!!

Can't get it up, huh?