Those of you who consider duct tape a super-critical piece of aviation equipment should know that the world's best duct tape is available from Lee Valley Tools in Canada (http://www.leevalley.com/en/shopping/Te ... =l&p=46895).

Lee Valley is famed for their incredible customer service; here is their response to a customer with a novel requirement:

How Much Duct Tape Will I Need?

My wife and I have been very satisfied Lee Valley customers over the years, and it looks like that is going to continue.

I was looking through your catalog this morning in preparation for my trip to Africa and I came upon the perfect item (Heavy-Duty Duct Tape). This is just what I need. I am a great believer in "bring 'em back alive" and was wondering how I was going to bring back the animals that I want. Then I saw in your ad that this duct tape can be used to restrain a bull elephant and my problem was solved. Now I can trap the elephant and restrain him for shipping. What a great idea! I had no idea that duct tape could be used in this way. I was all prepared to get a huge cage to ship him back, but now I find all that redundant. Before I order, though, I do have some questions about its application. I don't want to buy too little, or be disappointed like I was with my little "Sea Monkey" experiment. (Most monkeys can't swim at all and they would rather be in trees.)

1) How many rolls do you think I will need? (I expect to get a big one.) Will one roll do, or should I get a couple just to be sure?

2) Do you have any diagrams as to how to restrain a bull elephant? Should I tape all four legs together or do the front and back ones separately?

3) What do I do with the trunk and tail? Can I tape the trunk to the tail to keep them from flailing around, or should I just tape them to a leg?

4) Should the ears be taped back to prevent flopping, or are they OK? I don't think the ears have any bones to break.

5) Will this tape work for antelope too, and is there any way to easily remove the hair from the tape?

6) Do you think I could construct the trap with this tape as well? Maybe using the sticky side like a spider web, or do you think the elephant will notice it and not fall for that?

Please get back to me soon, as I leave for Africa shortly and want to order the duct tape so that it gets to me well in advance of my departure date.

Thanks so much for solving my dilemma,


E.P.
World Wide Web


Lee Valley's Response (Robin Lee):

We have received your e-mail, and are delighted that you have read our copy so diligently, and intend to follow our recommendations scrupulously….

E.P.: How many rolls do you think I will need? (I expect to get a big one.) Will one roll do, or should I get a couple just to be sure?

R.L.: The answer here is not as obvious as one would suspect. Much like the case with clamps (you always need one or two more than you have), you can never have too much duct tape. How much you should purchase is really a function of contingency planning. The less "extra" equipment you have with you, the more duct tape you'll probably need. In addition, significant user frustration can be avoided by having at least 1 roll per person actively involved in pachyderm restraining.

E.P.: Do you have any diagrams as to how to restrain a bull elephant? Should I tape all four legs together or do the front and back ones separately?

R.L.: Alas, we have discontinued the pachyderm restraint plans (actual size), as we had to fold them 72 times to fit within postal size limits. While we were happy to do this, several customers reported that refolding the plan was too time consuming, and most male users just never opened them…

As for the legs – will you be restraining trained or untrained elephants? If the former, it's quite straightforward – just have it mount the standard #7 circus stool (the four foot stance) – and tape away. If untrained, front and back separately works best.

E.P.: What do I do with the trunk and tail? Can I tape the trunk to the tail to keep them from flailing around, or should I just tape them to a leg?

R.L: Dealing with the trunk is a simple matter – please see our "trunk tie-down" (#06K10.01).

Restraint of the tail is deemed by most to be unnecessary, and could even result in an adverse accumulation, and subsequent catastrophic expulsion, of what used to be plant matter.

E.P.: Should the ears be taped back to prevent flopping, or are they OK? I don't think the ears have any bones to break.

R.L.: Freedom of ear movement is necessary for the animal to properly regulate body temperature…

E.P.: Will this tape work for antelope too, and is there any way to easily remove the hair from the tape?

R.L.: For really hairy animals, we'd suggest gaffer's tape (#25U06.01) – which should totally avoid negative depilatory effects.

It's not quite as strong, but then again – an antelope's no bull elephant….

E.P.: Do you think I could construct the trap with this tape as well? Maybe using the sticky side like a spider web, or do you think the elephant will notice it and not fall for that?

R.L.: We hesitate to recommend for or against applications we haven't personally tried… We will post this exchange in a few woodworking forums to see if other users have suggestions…

There used to be a Saturday Night Live skit with a store that sold only Scotch Tape. Lorne Michaels will have some useful suggestions.