........first off Gumps' story bout made me blurt my drink all over the screen. About 3-4 years ago in April I was heading to Fairbanks in my new to me 170 to take my three kids(at the time twins were 7 and my oldest girl was 11) to their liver doctor from Seattle. I do have Hydraulic wheel skis on but never done any off airport landings at that time.

On this lovely spring day we had clear skies and an unfortunate headwind. It was showing 3 hours 11 minutes to town. All of my kids know the drill.............minimal water and use the can right before we load up. We just pass Ruby and the female twin asks, "How far is it to that tall place where pilots can shower and use the bathroom?" She was referring to the tower in Fairbanks. I said, Why do you have to pee?" No was her reply I'm just wondering.

My 11 YO girl had to pee and asked little sister to pose the question. I told her to grab a ziplock and pee. Well, for an 11 YO that is not the coolest thing to do in an airplane. Mind you she is bundled with my required winter gear on. I have a sling seat in the back that has a nice bar where an 11 YO could place your butt in the proper pee position. You know what it is don't you?.............she is to sit on one end of the gallon ziploc pinching it between the bar and her butt and hold the other end it front of her and take care of business.

Dad I can wait! She is squirming and we just pass Tanana to the south about 19 miles and says I cotta go. This time around she got bare from the waist down and again said I can wait. Now imagine for a moment of her 7 YOA sister sitting next to her and a dad trying to fly and accommodate with encouraging words. I'll give her credit as she is one tough cookie. For those of you familiar with the route you know where Deadman Lake is. She is again bare and sitting on the ziplock. With the wind and distance we are looking at 30-45 minutes left to town. My boy is up front making sure he doesn't look as is his twin in the back. I presume things are progressing as normal when my son screams in the mic on his head set "Dad she's pooping" No doubt she had crapped all over the entire seat, the floorboard, her pants and snow pants, and last but not least the ziplock.

This is now a fine time to see that I am out of paper towels. I have her sister reach in the back baggage compartment and hand me two MRE's. I tear them open in search of the moist toilet that I am hoping isn't frozen and the all exclusive patch of TP included in the MRE. She did the best she could and I told the twins.............not a word of this to anyone. They held the secret until my oldest told the story numerous times to her friends.

I know have a Rubbermaid storage container.......14" diameter and 4" deep with a leakproof lid. Now my girls and wife can sit if need be and the boys are taken care of to. This plane is that of the former Guv of Alaska.....Jay Hammond.....I wonder if there are stories similar to that from his time.

I won't disclose her name but if you are in Fairbanks in February when Galena is playing basketball, she is now a Freshman and is #22. Great thread. Stay warm.

Then there was my old huntin partner......decided he needed a relief tube in his 206. Thought on it and got a small venturi (not small enough) and some clear plastic tubing (not long enough). He mounted the venturi to the belly of the 206 and ran the clear tubing from the small venturi through the floor up into the cabin and into a small black plastic funnel that would reside on the floor twixt the front seats. He did all this at his fbo at Torrance about 15 years ago and called me to tell me about it real proud of himself and stated we wouldn't have to try to find a gravel bar long enough for the 206 ever again.....lol.

That spring when he came back to Alaska to reopen his lodge for the summer, I noticed a pained look on his face when he stepped out of the 206 at Merrill Field and walked to my truck. I asked him if he was ok and his only reply was that the relief tube needed some work. I let it go at that and just patiently waited. Sure enough, about an hour later he told me what had happened. I'm glad we were at my home by then because I ended up laughing so hard I was crying too hard to even begin to see to drive. What he told me was..........

He is flying up the trench from Bellinghame to Ketchican when mother nature started to scream at him. He wasn't worried as the new relief tube was right by his right hip on the floor. He grabbed the tube, slid his seat back and retrimmed the plane. He then lowered his drawers and carefully started to to go into the funnel. There he found himself, experiencing the wonderful sigh of relief when, out of nowhere, he hit an airpocket and the plane moved rather quickly.....quick enough that the funnel grabbed onto a certain piece of his anatomy and the the venturi suction tried to pull him through the funnel!!!! He said he tried to crimp the hose....wasn't long enough. He tried to ease it off......it wasn't letting go (the venturi mounted to the belly of the 206 was about 5" long and an inch in diameter by the way). He said he tried to slide off of the seat to the right to get some slack but the other seat wouldn't let him!!! He was stuck literally. By this time I am in hysterics listening to the story. He said he finally ripped it off and ended up with a blood blister of about 1/2" in diameter near the tip of a certain little appendage.....I swear, he walked bowlegged for about 2 1/2 weeks. I laughed again about it when I typed this as I was remembering him telling me about it and seeing his discomfort then and once again imagining what he probably looked like in the cabin when it occcured. He replaced the 5" long venturi with one about 3", went down to smaller tubing of about 1/2" or 3/8", increased the tube length about 2 feet, and installed a valve on the bottom of the funnel......worked slick as a whistle after that........roflmao.

AKGrouch wrote:Then there was my old huntin partner......decided he needed a relief tube in his 206. Thought on it and got a small venturi (not small enough) and some clear plastic tubing (not long enough). He mounted the venturi to the belly of the 206 and ran the clear tubing from the small venturi through the floor up into the cabin and into a small black plastic funnel that would reside on the floor twixt the front seats. He did all this at his fbo at Torrance about 15 years ago and called me to tell me about it real proud of himself and stated we wouldn't have to try to find a gravel bar long enough for the 206 ever again.....lol.

That spring when he came back to Alaska to reopen his lodge for the summer, I noticed a pained look on his face when he stepped out of the 206 at Merrill Field and walked to my truck. I asked him if he was ok and his only reply was that the relief tube needed some work. I let it go at that and just patiently waited. Sure enough, about an hour later he told me what had happened. I'm glad we were at my home by then because I ended up laughing so hard I was crying too hard to even begin to see to drive. What he told me was..........

He is flying up the trench from Bellinghame to Ketchican when mother nature started to scream at him. He wasn't worried as the new relief tube was right by his right hip on the floor. He grabbed the tube, slid his seat back and retrimmed the plane. He then lowered his drawers and carefully started to to go into the funnel. There he found himself, experiencing the wonderful sigh of relief when, out of nowhere, he hit an airpocket and the plane moved rather quickly.....quick enough that the funnel grabbed onto a certain piece of his anatomy and the the venturi suction tried to pull him through the funnel!!!! He said he tried to crimp the hose....wasn't long enough. He tried to ease it off......it wasn't letting go (the venturi mounted to the belly of the 206 was about 5" long and an inch in diameter by the way). He said he tried to slide off of the seat to the right to get some slack but the other seat wouldn't let him!!! He was stuck literally. By this time I am in hysterics listening to the story. He said he finally ripped it off and ended up with a blood blister of about 1/2" in diameter near the tip of a certain little appendage.....I swear, he walked bowlegged for about 2 1/2 weeks. I laughed again about it when I typed this as I was remembering him telling me about it and seeing his discomfort then and once again imagining what he probably looked like in the cabin when it occcured. He replaced the 5" long venturi with one about 3", went down to smaller tubing of about 1/2" or 3/8", increased the tube length about 2 feet, and installed a valve on the bottom of the funnel......worked slick as a whistle after that........roflmao.

OK I just spit water all over my desk and now I gotta pee..... Too funny!!!

That is what 31 inch bushwheels are for. Pick a place and land.

Military aircraft like the U-21 and Chinooks used to have a relief tube. The funnel was about 6 or 8 inches long and very thin for a funnel. I used to keep one on my desk. There would always be someone that would try to "play" it like a trumpet, of course when they were through, we would tell them what it was

This thread is destined for the Hall of Fame. I've laughed hard.

That's some funny stuff! 1978 I was ferrying a DC-3 from Baltimore to the west coast with my old pal John. One day we were flying along and John says he has to use the john(sorry). I'm flying and the plane starts wanting to climb then descend even though it's too early for thermals and no wind for mountain wave. I turned to look back in the cabin to see John running up and down the length of the plane dicking with me. He sees me and we both laugh. I see him go in the can and then start counting how long to get unzipped and start peeing. Slowly easing the stick back I wait to make sure the timing is right and then quickly unweigh forward stick and send him floating whilst peeing. I can hear the yells all the way from the lav which is in the aft of the cabin. Being the good friend that I am, I gently return to positive g and set him back down. He comes back all pissed (sorry) and I told him if you mess with fire you get burned. He sits down with piss all over his clothes and broods until we get to the bar that night. We're still friends and still laugh about that day.

Peeing should definitely be a part of the written check list. How many times have you launched feeling like you just dont need to go only to realize 90 minutes later that your getting a bit uncomfortable.

My 172 comes equipped with a bathroom, doesn't yours? It comes in the form of a bottle (those Snapple tea bottles are perfect size) and a small blanket for a little privacy (a jacket works just as well).

This simple system has served me well many times. Plus I always get a laugh when a passenger lets me know of their pressing need and I say no problem this aircraft comes equipped with a bathroom and I hand them the blanket and bottle.

Only drawback is so far its a "Mens Room" only bathroom. (workin on that).
Oh, and be careful when you flush!

iceman wrote:Well I for one don't have this problem....

I have a hole in the floor.. I just whip it out, let it dangle out the hole and go... I only do this in the air and not when landing so as to avoid scrapes and cuts....

LOL Yea right! You wish!!

dlhanst wrote:That's some funny stuff! 1978 I was ferrying a DC-3 from Baltimore to the west coast with my old pal John. One day we were flying along and John says he has to use the john(sorry). I'm flying and the plane starts wanting to climb then descend even though it's too early for thermals and no wind for mountain wave. I turned to look back in the cabin to see John running up and down the length of the plane dicking with me. He sees me and we both laugh. I see him go in the can and then start counting how long to get unzipped and start peeing. Slowly easing the stick back I wait to make sure the timing is right and then quickly unweigh forward stick and send him floating whilst peeing. I can hear the yells all the way from the lav which is in the aft of the cabin. Being the good friend that I am, I gently return to positive g and set him back down. He comes back all pissed (sorry) and I told him if you mess with fire you get burned. He sits down with piss all over his clothes and broods until we get to the bar that night. We're still friends and still laugh about that day.

Wish I could'a been there to see that!!

AKGrouch wrote:Then there was my old huntin partner......decided he needed a relief tube in his 206. Thought on it and got a small venturi (not small enough) and some clear plastic tubing (not long enough).

First, what do you do when nature calls?
Umm, reverse the charges?

This has been a terribly funny thread, thanks all for making me laugh.

On the relief tube, is it typical to use a venturi? Inquiring minds want to know. I'd have thought just locating the exhaust in a (non-augmented) low pressure area would be sufficient (and avoid painful accidents, like demonstrated.) Or in some way ensure the cabin was slightly pressurized, like by opening a vent. I've always thought I'd put a relief tube in my project, if for no other reason than to threaten people with. ("Pack you umbrella, dude!")

Benton 5jan09

One of the pilot supply catalogs now list a venturi relief tube kit using a small plastic venturi mounted to the belly.

Hottshot wrote: OK I just spit water all over my desk and now I gotta pee..... Too funny!!!

Sorry bout that......lol. I can still remember watching him walk with the widest bowed legged gait I ever saw......rofl

And then there was the time we were flying in his cub down the Copper River from Glenallen to Cordova when he apparently had another urge but was having somewhat of a liquid problem. Did you know you can nose a cub over in a -6g dive for 2000 feet? He did that and executed the quickest approach I ever saw to land on a gravel bar (straight in panic stab and drop it and slam on the brakes). He hit the door with tp in hand leaving me to hold the plane with the brakes from the back seat with the prop still turning..... I shut off the engine and climbed out just as he came back out of the bushes with me asking "Now whatinthehell was that?" Mind you, we were in the middle of nowhere on a gravel bar in the middle of the Copper River below Tiekel's and above the Million Dollar Bridge. (No roads whatsoever or way in other than by air where we were). His response was to look beyond me with a funny look and say "Huh?" I turned around to see what he was looking at, only to see two hunters walking up to us. They asked if we were ok. When they asked, all my partner could do was waive the tp roll in the air and say, "Yup....am now!!!!" One of the guys then said he saw the dive and panic landing and thought we had crashed...... When we took off, we both looked for the cub the guys had to have used to get there....but never saw it......strange.....

Anyway, I keep a roll of tp in my bird within easy reach. Haven't had to use it yet, but then you never know.

Oregon180 wrote:Why fly in pain, guys? Just land. Plenty of nice little airports most places.

The most fun part of long trips are those unplanned stops!

I can tell you don't fly in Alaska......there are strips abundant, but not as many airports. It's called a tree, bush or shrub frequently. Depending on what you're flying, landing might not be an option if the urge strikes.

For anyone thinking of installing a relief tube, supposedly the reason they were removed from Army aircraft was corrosion, if you install one, put it way back by the tail.

We had a couple of incidents in the Army at Ft. Hood. The best was when one Co. Commander had to relieve himself of the burrito we ate for super. Being helicopters we landed, he unassed the front seat and ran off a little ways in the dark. Apaches can see in the dark. One of the other front seaters decided to tape the whole event with the Target Aquisitition Sight. If any of you guy's have ever worn flight suits, they are a one piece affair and to crap in the woods they are not the best piece of clothing. What you have to do is unzip the flight suit pull it off of your chest and tie the arms together and pull the whole thing around your knees. This process takes a little time and if your in the middle of an emergency, you don't have the time. The beloved Captain crapped in his flight suit unknowingly. Looking at him in FLIR, it was obvious as crap is rather warm and the heat signature is unmistakable. So business done he stands up and quickly pulls up his flight suit thereby laying his "business" squarely on the back of his head. The the stomping, kicking and I'm sure cussing began, but the mission had to go on, so he get's back into the aircraft, puts his helmet back on and off we go.
A couple of months later we have a dining in. This is when he finds out he was taped. He get's to see the whole thing on the projection TV. He picked up several nicknames from that.

We talked to our son last night in Alaska. We live there also but are down-states for a visit. He told me about this thread so I had to add my $0.25.

I flew A-1 Skyraiders in SEA in 1971-72 under the Sandy and Hobo call-signs. One of our good pilots and flight leads liked the local rice wine. One morning on a mission his stomach was attacked by Uncle Ho’s revenge; probably something to do with the wine.
The single seat Skyraider wasn’t cramped but it was quite cozy. He couldn’t combat the stomach cramps any longer so he had to find relief. We carried an intelligence package which looked like a top load vinyl brief case. It held mostly maps with AAA and SAM sights as well as good E & E areas etc. The contents although not top secret were classified. Well Roger decided he had to use the intel case. (Luckily he was flying an airplane which the auto-pilot actually worked.) He carefully stowed all it’s contents in tight secure places in the cockpit. He then checked his heading, told his wingman he would be off freq for a bit, unstrapped, skinned down his flight suit and got relief. Later in the mission he was able to slow down, open his canopy and “salvo” the intel case in the jungle. He probably would have liked to added it to one of his bomb or strafe passes but was going way to fast to open the canopy.

It doesn’t seem like that was 37 years ago.

Imagine the VC officer's face when he opened up his prize intel case.

a64pilot wrote:We had a couple of incidents in the Army at Ft. Hood. The best was when one Co. Commander had to relieve himself of the burrito we ate for super. Being helicopters we landed, he unassed the front seat and ran off a little ways in the dark. Apaches can see in the dark. One of the other front seaters decided to tape the whole event with the Target Aquisitition Sight. If any of you guy's have ever worn flight suits, they are a one piece affair and to crap in the woods they are not the best piece of clothing. What you have to do is unzip the flight suit pull it off of your chest and tie the arms together and pull the whole thing around your knees. This process takes a little time and if your in the middle of an emergency, you don't have the time. The beloved Captain crapped in his flight suit unknowingly. Looking at him in FLIR, it was obvious as crap is rather warm and the heat signature is unmistakable. So business done he stands up and quickly pulls up his flight suit thereby laying his "business" squarely on the back of his head. The the stomping, kicking and I'm sure cussing began, but the mission had to go on, so he get's back into the aircraft, puts his helmet back on and off we go.
A couple of months later we have a dining in. This is when he finds out he was taped. He get's to see the whole thing on the projection TV. He picked up several nicknames from that.

Thats a great story!!! Holy shizz I would have died from the laughter.

I've got a story that involves a Captain with hemorrhoids that borrowed a troops' chapstick before he went off in the bushes but I'll save you all the gory details.

Why is it that going #1 and #2 are so funny??? This forum is hilarious... I have a side ache from laughing.

I can still picture in my mind, the face and big eyes a certain un-named pilot had, when he said to me "Dad, I'm running out of options here!!", as we were rapidly decending into Hells Canyon, looking for anyplace to land. On the ground, we all bailed out of both sides of the plane, walked off, laughing like idiots, to give him some space, only to turn around a ways away to see what all of the hollering was about. There he was with his pants around his ankles, doing his dirty little business, and sliding and holding onto my Cessna 170, as it was rolling back towards a big bank and the Snake River... Precious memories.....